Love is not a miracle


“Love is not a miracle… it’s an art, a skill, a mental and physical exercise of the mind and of the senses like any other. Like playing an instrument, dancing, or woodworking.”

—The Art of Joy by Goliarda Sapienza, written in 1967, first published in Italian in 2008

Photo by Juan Felipe Rubio.


A metaphor about friendship

The types of friendships we have can be compared to the parts of a book.

Some of our friends are chapter-by-chapter friends. These are people we talk to regularly but infrequently, maybe every few months or on holidays.

Other friends follow along with our life story at a more granular level, knowing where we are and what we’re doing on, say, a weekly or daily basis. We could call these sentence-by-sentence friends.

We might even have word-by-word friends, those–like romantic partners, close family members, best friends–who are involved in our lives at a minute level, who know what we’re doing and where we are at any given hour or minute.

One kind of friend isn’t better than another: a chapter-by-chapter friend isn’t necessarily shallower or more superficial than a word-by-word friend, just different. It is usual, maybe healthy, to have friends who know us in different ways and are involved in our lives at different levels of detail.

I like this metaphor because it gives a way to talk about change in the context of a friendship. For me, I find it is extremely upsetting when a friendship shifts from a deeper into a broader level of detail–when a word-by-word friend becomes a sentence-by-sentence friend, or a sentence-by-sentence friend turns into a chapter-by-chapter one. A break-up, a move, college graduation, lives going in different directions: these changes result in a sometimes jarring loss of closeness, intimacy, and involvement between friends.

At those times, it is important to remember that there are life stories all around us, waiting to be opened up and delved into.

Language Pulsations Poll: Going out vs. Dating

This survey comes out of some surprising conversations I had where I asked others to distinguish between “going out” and “dating.” For me the distinction was a very clear and important one, so I was surprised to find that the more people I asked, the more answers I received, each one different from my personal definitions.

What do you think?

P.S. A note on exclusivity: An activity is “exclusive” if you can only properly engage in it with one person at a time. For example, if dating is exclusive, you can only “date” one person at a time. If dating is non-exclusive, then you can date more than one person at a time.

P.P.S. If you chose the third option (“both connote an exclusive relationship”) what do you call the thing that people do before they decide to formalize their relationship? If you chose the fourth option (“both connote a non-exclusive relationship”) what do you call the thing that girlfriends and boyfriends, in a committed exclusive relationship, do?